The Irony Edition: UnitedHealth's 10 Health Cost Saving Tips for Employers
I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard. I received healthcare cost-saving tips from—wait for it—the very company that sets those healthcare costs: UnitedHealthcare.
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I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard. I received healthcare cost-saving tips from—wait for it—the very company that sets those very healthcare costs: UnitedHealthcare. Now if that isn’t the ultimate oxymoron, I don’t know what is.
This morning, I found this gem in my inbox: “10 Tips to Help Lower Health Plan Costs”.
For UnitedHealth, healthcare tips aren’t just handed out. They wanted me to fill out a questionnaire first. So instead, I thought I’d imagine what those 10 tips might be and see how close I got. I hope this brightens up your day.
So here are UnitedHealth’s 10 health cost-saving tips for employers:
1️⃣ Avoid stress by not checking your healthcare bills. What you don’t know can’t hurt your wallet.
2️⃣ Remember, laughter is the best medicine. It’s also significantly cheaper than actual medicine.
3️⃣ Avoid expensive diagnostic tests. A magic 8-ball is far cheaper and offers the same level of certainty. Plus, it doubles as your mental health advisor: “Outlook not so good? Maybe take a nap.”
4️⃣ Thinking of visiting a doctor for a routine check-up? With our brand-new patented AI “upcoding” technology, you might as well skip it and save for the heart attack that the AI will claim you’re at risk for.
5️⃣ Forget healthcare cost savings. Help us save on legal fees: the latest DOJ antitrust investigation is killing us.
6️⃣ Our CEO, Andrew Witty, insists we’re just a “small player” in the healthcare industry. So think of it as saving money with a humble little mom-and-pop operation.
7️⃣ Why do you need to think hard about how to save money on healthcare costs? Because when Russians hack our Change payment system, you’re on the hook for the ransom payment. You want to get paid, don’t you?
8️⃣ Lower ransom payments for hackers mean lower healthcare costs for you. If you don’t want to pay the Russians, consider giving them tips on other healthcare systems with no cybersecurity. Ascension was a good one, but let’s be honest, most of them are.
9️⃣ Our healthcare cost-saving tips are so effective that our executives barely make ends meet. Chairman Stephen Hemsley even had to use his unique knowledge of material nonpublic information just to scrape together a mere $100 million before the Feds found out.
1️⃣0️⃣ Remember, the best way to save on healthcare costs is not to use your healthcare at all. Think of your insurance like a gym membership: it’s mainly for peace of mind.
👉👉👉👉👉 Hi! My name is Sergei Polevikov. In my newsletter ‘AI Health Uncut’, I combine my knowledge of AI models with my unique skills in analyzing the financial health of digital health companies. Why “Uncut”? Because I never sugarcoat or filter the hard truth. I don’t play games, I don’t work for anyone, and therefore, with your support, I produce the most original, the most unbiased, the most unapologetic research in AI, innovation, and healthcare. Thank you for your support of my work. You’re part of a vibrant community of healthcare AI enthusiasts! Your engagement matters. 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏